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Post by Tanaka Kotomi on Mar 10, 2018 1:34:10 GMT
Warning
If you are triggered by suicide or drugs or realllllly sensitive pls do not read this. Without further ado I will start
Guys it's been such a fucking rough week. I don't even know where to start. I need somebody, anybody to make me not feel so worthless. Throughout tonight I have had so many suicidal urges and I don't know what to do because I feel so fucking alone and I don't even know why I bother to keep going on with my life half the time. I mean I feel completely and utterly worthless. Like I really don't know how I haven't thrown myself off a bridge or hung myself yet I REALLLLY don't know how I'm holding on this strong. I had the flu Sunday. Puking. LOTS of it. Yeah that's not any reason to be suicidal, I know. However that was the start to a bad week. Such a bad week it's me considering my life. Tuesday, my grandfather Carl has died. He had cancer for the 3rd time but this time he did not make it. My mother is holding out surprisingly strong but I feel as if behind closed doors all she can do is cry. Because she is on probation, she can't do what I usually do: Smoke marijuana. I am also going to clear this up: Yes. I smoke marijuana. Is it illegal? Yes. Has it killed anyone or is bad? No. Why do I smoke it? So that even for an hour and a half I am not a risk to myself to slit my wrist or hang myself or throw myself off a bridge. So for one brief moment I will enjoy my very much shitty life. So because of that I still am clueless as to how strong she is being. As for today. This is going to be the REAL BIG cherry on top of my shit sundae. Today as soon as I get out of work I receive word from my old school that I no longer am able to go to prom with my now ex boyfriend (oh that part is just OMG) because I am considered a "drop out" even though I go to an online school. But because my online school is based in Georgia (I live in Illinois) they STILL won't let me go to it. Well I take all this as a sign the universe wants me to kill myself. It's a sign more shit will go wrong, so what's next that will go bad? My boyfriend breaking up with me? I love him very much but because I am 99% sure he'll end up leaving my pathetic ass anyway sometime in the future, I broke up with him to soften the blow that would inevitably happen. No one ever fucking stays anyway. Yeah yeah "you're so young blah blah blah" Not even family or friends ever wanna stay with me. My dad, with whom I try so fucking hard to keep in my life. I try so FUCKING HARD to make him want to be a part of my life. I realize my dad only ever wants to be around me when he wants to get high or to pee in a cup for him so he can pass a hardcore drug test. Because I will always smoke him up. I can never say no. Because I miss my dad and want SOMEONE in my life to not leave even if they're using me. I just want to be loved and cared about but that never fucking happens. I am always alone. I am always feeling like shit. I am always questioning why I am alive. I feel so pathetic. I don't know what to do. No matter what I do, everything just goes to shit. What is so wrong with me
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Yamada Fumi
YME48 Team Y
Guess who? (Yamami!) Correct! It's Yamada Fumi the highschool sophmore! Thank you!
Posts: 268
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Post by Yamada Fumi on Mar 10, 2018 3:38:40 GMT
Okay let me start off.
YOU ARE WORTH IT. EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS WORTH IT
Who cares if you smoke? You needed to find something that at least led you away from your problems for awhile.
As long as your still alive and still alive in 20 years. Please let me be with you for that long.
Like I can't ignore this, let Rika take over, and tell you to be happy. Your so precious to me, believe it or not, and so I had to say something.
I know rough weeks happen. I have been able to avoid them for awhile but they always come eventually. There's no way around it.
The flu sucks, but your getting better. Your grandfather died, I'm sorry and I'm really proud of you for not crashing. I know what your going through. But I'm pretty sure he wants you to stay here and not to join him in death. Your former school is horrible, don't waste your breath on it. Move on and study hard and get into a GREAT college. Prove them wrong. Your ex-boyfriend, I have two things to stay to that. First, I wish I could see your relationship in real life but it seemed perfectly stable online. Second, screw prom. To me it's just a dance. Take him to a empty parking lot, blast your favorite music, and dance until your drop. You don't need all the fancy extras to just have fun, to enjoy high school.
AND YOU ARE NOT A DROP OUT. LIKE I SAID SLAP YOUR SCHOOL IN THE FACE AND DO IT YOUR WAY.
You're 17. You can feel old and young at the same time. I am a year younger but it's still our teenage years. We look back on our naive days. Go at your pace and be in the middle of old and young.
I have not had the experience of trying to get my dad to stay. He's always been here from the start. I want you and your dad to have a perfect father-daughter relationship but as far as advice or my opinion on what you should do, I have none. Sometimes you have to give up for a bit and when they realize what happened, they may turn.
AND NO YOU SHOULD NOT CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL BE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE USING YOU. IF SO WHAT KIND OF A LIFE IS THAT? A WORTHLESS ONE. AND THAT IS NOT YOU. YOU WILL DO GREAT THINGS. I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING REALLY DOWN BUT YOU NEED TO IT PICK UP. This depression, despair, sadness, whatever you want to call it, needs to be taught a lesson. You need to shout at it to go away, but it takes work. Hard work.
AND IF YOU EVER NEED SOMEONE, YOU HAVE ME, YOU HAVE GRACE, YOU HAVE LILY, YOU HAVE EVERYONE WHO YOU HAVE MET. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. I'm serious. I WILL PERSONALLY COME OUT TO ILLINOIS TO TELL YOU THIS, TO TALK, TO ANYTHING. I want you to be alive and happy by any means necessary.
I'm sorry this got really long and aggressive at times but this is what I feel and I needed to tell you as soon as I could. I don't want to lose another person I'm close to. I know it's really selfish but I won't be able to handle. I can't.
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Post by Kurosawa Yuka on Mar 10, 2018 6:04:37 GMT
Oh dear that really is a lot of horrible things going on at once. But please try to make it through this. It would break my heart if you were gone from this world. We'll be there for you every step of the way. I'll try to be online tomorrow as much as possible.
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Post by Kurosawa Yuka on Mar 10, 2018 6:12:34 GMT
Try to keep in mind, above all else, that all of these feelings are depression. It's nothing to do you with being inherently bad or not deserving good things; that's absolutely not true. It's just that you have a nasty disease that makes everything feel awful and takes away your will to fight. You've been incredibly strong to keep going all this time and I'm really proud of you!
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Post by Kurosawa Yuka on Mar 10, 2018 6:16:27 GMT
Are you able to talk to your mother about all this? Maybe you can ask her how she's managing to seem so strong. And I definitely have to recommend talking to a trusted adult about this whether it's your mother or somebody else. We can't help you as much as we'd like to because we're not there with you. I know it sucks but you need to lean on someone irl who can help take care of you better than we can.
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Post by Tanaka Kotomi on Mar 10, 2018 14:44:37 GMT
Yamada Fumi Kurosawa Yuka Thank you guys. I love you guys so much. A good update is that me and Dylan are okay. I apologized because it wasn't fair for me to do what I did because he sincerely loves me. I mean, what guy cries and begs for you not to do it when you break up? He really is a keeper. He does so much for me and sometimes I fail to recognize that. I told him I would do my best to make it up to him because I did a really shitty thing that he did not deserve. I love him with all of my heart so I will do my best to make sure we both forget yesterday happened and yet learn from it. But really, thank you guys so much. You guys really mean so much to me and I'm really glad to hear I am wanted in this world by you guys. It honestly means so much to me. I love you guys so much
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Post by Honda Miyuki on Mar 10, 2018 20:19:56 GMT
You are important and valid and deserve so much. You have an entire future filled with possibilities waiting for you. The universe does not want you to kill yourself. Sometimes we have crappy lucky, true, but that is not a sign that we shouldn't be here. When you're feeling this way, I recommend taking deep breaths and focusing on your breathing.
I'm not really sure what to say, I tend to ramble and stuff.
But, there are lots of people out there who care about you! To my knowledge, none of us are mental health professionals, but I'm glad you still feel as if you can express what is bothering you. Though, I would recommend seeing a therapist if you have not already.
I'm glad everything worked out fine with you and your boyfriend. Sometimes things like that happen, but it doesn't mean that relationships cannot continue. This sounds really twisted and messed up, but it's sweet that he cares so much. Not that I'm happy that he cried, but I sort of think that's a nice genuine display of emotion.
And the flu sucks. Seriously, being sick is the actual WORST. I hope you are feeling healthier soon!
Sorry for your loss in the family as well. I've never been close to any grandparents and the 3 that were alive when I was born are still living so I don't know what you are experiencing. But, I can only imagine it sucks to lose someone you love.
Also, don't worry about prom. It's frankly not that exciting anyways. The most memorable parts of that night for me were when I nearly fell down an escalator because of heels and when my best friend decided to sit at dinner with people who just blatantly didn't save me a seat and didn't care, but some other friends I ate lunch with came to my rescue, so it ends well! I was super happy they thought of me, but not about the other stuff. At my high school, anyone from high school freshmen to 21 year olds could attend. It's strange they won't let you go if you attend another school. My date (as a friend) was one of my childhood friends who went to a different high school. He just had to fill out a form, get his principal or someone to sign it, and submit student ID and his driver's license. Coming from that experience, it really sucks how they are treating you. But, frankly, it's not going to be the high point of your life. I mean I suppose it could be for some, but you don't typically peak as a senior in high school. I sure didn't! I still don't think I've peaked actually. I don't want everything to go downhill.
It also sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with your dad. I feel that is important to say even though it might seem like "Well no duh, captain obvious." I want to word this carefully, because I've said this before and it has been received weirdly. But, I would recommend evaluating if he is a positive influence in your life and if he is worth putting yourself through so much stress for. There are some people who are just toxic. It sounds like he has drug issues, and coming from a person from an extended family rampant with all sorts of drug and alcohol abuse, those substances really have an awful impact on people's minds. I try to say this lightly because I apparently in my younger years came very close to not having a relationship with my own father because of these same issues. He says that, knowing me as a young woman, that I would not have in grown up to tolerate him in that way. He turned his life around though. And, as much as it seems awful, my dad is right that I would not have put up with that sort of thing even in my teens frankly. I've drawn a hard line in the sand (mainly with my dad's side of the family), where I do not go out of my way to associate with them and really have no desire for a substantial relationship with any of them. If they decide to finally show an ounce of interest in me (which they mostly haven't since I was a little girl), I would be happy to talk to any of them--maybe not my grandmother because that woman needs a hearing aid or she can't understand me and it is so sad and frustrating. But going out of my way to have a relationship with them is just going to hurt me long turn. Things are a bit better on my mom's side of the family. There my main problem is with my grandma who blatantly plays favorites and has made it clear that I am her least favorite grandchild. I'm not close to any of them, but I just accept it and move on with my life.
So yeah, I have personally found in my twenty years that some people are just not worth putting yourself through crap for just because you share the same genetic makeup. It makes me sound harsh and like-excuse my French and vaguely misogynistic language-a bitch, but it's the hard truth I have learned.
I hope that isn't the wrong way. I expressed this to two of my friends who are sisters once, and one of them looked at me as if I had suggested that we run around naked in a crowded area in broad daylight. Their extended family situation is that their dad's side of the family has grandparents playing blatant favorites (which some people are surprised happens, but yeah, there are a lot of not so good parents so it only makes sense that there are not so good grandparents) and their whole paternal side of the family blames their mom who is so kind and friendly for their dad's death. It's a long, complicated story. He passed away when my friends and their mom were out of town visiting friends. It's not like they left him chronically physically ill, and they didn't know what he would do. It goes back farther than that because no one in the family seems to openly acknowledge that he was a drug addict in his last few years, the meds wrecked his brain, and he suffered from really bad depression.
Moral of that story is to only take prescription meds as prescribed or you could become addicted. I won't get on your case about marijuana. I actually think that's minor compared to things like alcohol and opoids which I swear some doctors give out like candy. I don't know if that was how it happened, he was injured at work several times which put him in a lot of pain. All I know is that when I was 13, the older sister had surgery and I went to visit her in the hospital. In the hospital, I saw her dad sneak some of his daughter's heavy duty pain meds with him into the bathroom. I didn't say anything, and I mean he didn't die until 3 years after the fact, but I often wonder what would have happened if I had spoken up. At first, I blamed myself. At the funeral, I couldn't think of my anything to say so that's what I sad. But in reality I wanted to get up and scream that if my friends' paternal grandparents wanted someone to blame, they should blame me because of this. But, fortunately, I was raised to be a good, polite girl who doesn't cause commotions in public. But the pastor said something, and I can't remember what, that made me think "Oh it wasn't my fault after all. I could have done stuff different, but that might not have changed the outcome." That gave me a feeling of peace.
I started rambling, didn't I? Even when I say I won't I do. I'm not trying to steer the conversation towards myself. But I tend to try to relate other people's experiences to my own in order to connect ideas and find patterns.
But, at the end of the day, you are an important, valuable person to this world. You can overcome the hardships put before you in life. It will get better. Not automatically. But there is a brighter day around the corner, and it is always worth striving for that.
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Post by Tanaka Kotomi on Mar 12, 2018 23:02:01 GMT
Another update: I start counceling tomorrow and I'll talk about getting on medications again. Also school update: still wont let me go and the VP was being kinda bitchy about it. When I asked if it was okay if i faxed a paper to Georgia and have it signed and she was kinda snotty about it. She said because I have anxiety i shouldnt go anyway and she said anxiety sarcastically. I was kinda offended because she doesnt want me going because I have a mental illness and because how can she "protect me there" and I'm like REALLY??? Like seriously ughhhh Kashima Rika Kurosawa Yuka Yamada Fumi
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Post by Kurosawa Yuka on Mar 12, 2018 23:14:02 GMT
I'm really glad ^^ Also what the fuck :/ rude honestly
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Post by Tanaka Kotomi on Mar 12, 2018 23:46:05 GMT
I'm really glad ^^ Also what the fuck :/ rude honestly the only way for me to go to prom is for me to reenroll so if the board of education meeting doesnt work I'll have to reenroll because Dylan deserves to go to his senior prom
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Post by Kurosawa Yuka on Mar 12, 2018 23:52:09 GMT
I'm really glad ^^ Also what the fuck :/ rude honestly the only way for me to go to prom is for me to reenroll so if the board of education meeting doesnt work I'll have to reenroll because Dylan deserves to go to his senior prom What a pain in the ass :/ it's sweet how far you're willing to go for Dylan though
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Post by Honda Miyuki on Mar 13, 2018 1:24:01 GMT
Another update: I start counceling tomorrow and I'll talk about getting on medications again. Also school update: still wont let me go and the VP was being kinda bitchy about it. When I asked if it was okay if i faxed a paper to Georgia and have it signed and she was kinda snotty about it. She said because I have anxiety i shouldnt go anyway and she said anxiety sarcastically. I was kinda offended because she doesnt want me going because I have a mental illness and because how can she "protect me there" and I'm like REALLY??? Like seriously ughhhh Kashima Rika Kurosawa Yuka Yamada Fumi She said you shouldn't go to prom because of anxiety and dismissed it? That's the crappiest thing I've heard about anxiety in several weeks since I heard "You don't need to have panic attacks if you have Jesus" (not how it works, Jesus and religion are good and can help you through hard times, but they are not the only solution, one day I swear I am going to make a contemplation book titled "Now that's What I Call Being F***ing Wrong about Mental Illness"). Seriously, if the situations at prom are not something that will trigger your anxiety, then it should be okay. Heck I have a friend who DOES get anxiety attacks over things that could happen at prom and she STILL was okay there. I'm assuming by VP you mean Vice Principal (unless you mean Vice President of the student government or something, and a student should have no say in this). I honestly would just fax the form down to Georgia anyway, it can't hurt right? Anyways, if you need to, go above the VP and straight to the principal. If necessary, go to the superintendent. It's intimidating, but I've essentially done it (with parental help). All state laws are different, but I know for a fact they usually let homeschoolers to proms and stuff (they usually do there own thing where you have to leave room for Jesus while dancing and stuff or something). It's sweet that you would consider transferring back there for Dylan, but I would recommend considering yourself first. What is best for you? I'm sure there is a reason you left, and while you do not have to disclose it by any means, I'm sure you don't want that to reoccur. Don't put your own sanity in jeopardy. And, I don't know how your school works, but they could try to screw you over and say none of your credits count and say you have to start again as a Freshman. I was considering doing cyber in high school outside of the high school's crappy cyberschool. Anyways, that's what they told me would happen if I decided I didn't want to do it anymore. Things might have changed to since this was back in 2012. Thankfully, for me it worked out because it turns out that high school was significantly better than middle school (which is a very low bar to surpass albeit).
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Post by Tanaka Kotomi on Mar 13, 2018 2:27:11 GMT
Another update: I start counceling tomorrow and I'll talk about getting on medications again. Also school update: still wont let me go and the VP was being kinda bitchy about it. When I asked if it was okay if i faxed a paper to Georgia and have it signed and she was kinda snotty about it. She said because I have anxiety i shouldnt go anyway and she said anxiety sarcastically. I was kinda offended because she doesnt want me going because I have a mental illness and because how can she "protect me there" and I'm like REALLY??? Like seriously ughhhh Kashima Rika Kurosawa Yuka Yamada Fumi She said you shouldn't go to prom because of anxiety and dismissed it? That's the crappiest thing I've heard about anxiety in several weeks since I heard "You don't need to have panic attacks if you have Jesus" (not how it works, Jesus and religion are good and can help you through hard times, but they are not the only solution, one day I swear I am going to make a contemplation book titled "Now that's What I Call Being F***ing Wrong about Mental Illness"). Seriously, if the situations at prom are not something that will trigger your anxiety, then it should be okay. Heck I have a friend who DOES get anxiety attacks over things that could happen at prom and she STILL was okay there. I'm assuming by VP you mean Vice Principal (unless you mean Vice President of the student government or something, and a student should have no say in this). I honestly would just fax the form down to Georgia anyway, it can't hurt right? Anyways, if you need to, go above the VP and straight to the principal. If necessary, go to the superintendent. It's intimidating, but I've essentially done it (with parental help). All state laws are different, but I know for a fact they usually let homeschoolers to proms and stuff (they usually do there own thing where you have to leave room for Jesus while dancing and stuff or something). It's sweet that you would consider transferring back there for Dylan, but I would recommend considering yourself first. What is best for you? I'm sure there is a reason you left, and while you do not have to disclose it by any means, I'm sure you don't want that to reoccur. Don't put your own sanity in jeopardy. And, I don't know how your school works, but they could try to screw you over and say none of your credits count and say you have to start again as a Freshman. I was considering doing cyber in high school outside of the high school's crappy cyberschool. Anyways, that's what they told me would happen if I decided I didn't want to do it anymore. Things might have changed to since this was back in 2012. Thankfully, for me it worked out because it turns out that high school was significantly better than middle school (which is a very low bar to surpass albeit). i talked to the vice principal and principal at the same time. We are going to the board of education on the 21st and explaining how I left because I was getting bullied and I didnt feel safe and they did nothing about it and THAT is why I'm homeschooled and now they basically are punishing me because I dont go anymore. Its bullshit really. Well if that doesnt work I'm going back. I hope it works
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Post by Kashima Rika on Mar 13, 2018 5:18:22 GMT
I don't know if you should go back to school, I mean you left for a reason and I don't think dylan would want you to put yourself through more shit so he can go to a (pretty dumb) school dance for like three hours lol. Prom is an experience but it should NOT cost you your health, ya feel me
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Post by Kurosawa Yuka on Mar 13, 2018 5:37:29 GMT
is it possible for you to re-enroll like, the day before prom and then leave right after? lol
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